All of the emotions

I’ve never been a terribly emotional person. Well, I should re-phrase that, in the privacy of my own home and with those closest to me, I can be quite emotional (ask my husband if I cry much and he will say all the time)! However, in public I hold it together. I do not cry in front of people, especially people I don’t know!

But since getting this diagnosis I cry All. The. Time. For awhile, I tried to hold it in, but then I just started letting the tears flow. In the fertility doctors office, during bloodwork and other testing. I really let it all flow when I got my HSG done last week. Below is a definition from google but more specifically, they have to insert a thin tube through your vagina and into the uterus and then push dye up into the uterus.

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This test had to be rescheduled a couple of times because I was having some spotting during the first appointment and then the second one had to be rescheduled due to the OB-GYN’s schedule. I had been dreading it for well over a month. Anyways, I went to the hospital, completely dreading this appointment and hating the fact that I had to get it done. I had been told that the procedure itself wasn’t too bad but that afterwards there can be really bad cramping and I should take the afternoon off work.

I had the opposite experience where the test itself was SO PAINFUL AND AWFUL. I actually sobbed on the table when the clamp was put down on my cervix. It was really difficult to get the catheter inserted into the tube so they had to keep pulling and adjusting my cervix, it literally felt like my insides were being scraped out. And then when the tube got inserted up my tubes and into my ovaries it was the deepest, most painful feeling ever. It made me get an intense wave of nausea and I was sure I was going to throw up. Oh my gosh, I can’t even fully explain it. I’m sure my crying and tensing up certainly didn’t help with the pain, but I just couldn’t help it.

Looking back, I’m sure some of the crying and being so upset and worked up is just due to the fact that I am still so so upset and confused about why this has happened to me. Why are my ovaries failing me when I’m so young? Why do I have to get all this invasive testing done when I’ve always taken care of my body? I’ve always ate well, exercised, I’ve never done drugs or heavily drank so why the f*&% is this happening to me? As much as I’m trying to accept it and be OK with it I’m still very upset, mad and confused as to why this has happened.

And so, while I was laying on my back in the hospital, knees up to the ceiling and a male OB-GYN was between my legs poking and prodding all those emotions came rumbling out of me and I lay there sobbing convulsively. Actually kind of hilarious when you look back on it.

One good thing that came out of this horrible, awful test is that my tubes are all clear. Thank god I finally had a test done that didn’t have bad results. Now if we could just get that 1 egg to make it’s way down those clear tubes, we’d be sailing!



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