Devastated

After waiting for over a month for my appointment with a new doctor – a doctor who is one of the best in the country when it came to IVF; a doctor who I knew helped my friend get pregnant even though she had low ovarian reserve – I ended the call feeling completely devastated because as soon as she heard how high my FSH is she wrote me off. She said no amount of drugs can make my body make an egg and when I told her about success stories I’d read about / heard about online she basically said they were hard to believe. She said if I get a cycle next month I could fly down to Vancouver and they would do an ultrasound and see if I have any follicles and then could go from there but that was basically the only next steps I was given from her perspective. She did say she’s going to a big conference soon and is going to talk to some other doctors in her field and see what they say, but ya, I was really hoping for some encouragement, ideas, plans for going forward and I got none of that from her at all.

I ended the call feeling so so devastated and upset. I just feel like giving up on this whole fertility thing. I spent all of September not thinking about it and focusing on living my life and it was so wonderful. Don’t get me wrong, every pregnancy announcement on Facebook – and I think there were 2 or 3 of them – felt like a knife stab to the gut, but with the exception of that it was a really great month not stressing about my stupid bodies inability to have a baby. This call today has kind of pushed me to the edge and I just really feel like giving up on all of this and focusing on other parts of my life that bring me joy for right now. This whole thing feels way too upsetting and frustrating and painful to continue dealing with.

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3 thoughts on “Devastated

  1. Oh I am so sorry to hear this. It’s awful to go into a conversations with such high hopes and then to have those hopes completely crushed. I can see why you would rather focus on the things in your life that are bringing you joy verses focusing on something that is going to continue to crush you over and over and over again. 😦 My heart just hurts for you. I wish there was something I could say or do to take away some of your heartache. I can’t tell you what to do since I am not in your shoes and haven’t been through what you are going through, but maybe you should take some time to focus on what you love and what makes you happy and brings you joy – at least for the next several months and then in 3-6 months, you can explore some other options like donor eggs or adopting. I’m sending you so much love right now and am always here if you need to talk or vent!!

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  2. I wish I had words of wisdom. I’d definitely take her up on the offer to check out follicles via u/s – the first two times I got pregnant, I had u/s right when I was ovulating so I knew something was going on and took the appropriate action.

    I haven’t been on Facebook since my infertility diagnosis. Too much to get upset about it and I don’t miss it at all.

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