Checking in

Hi everyone,

It’s been over a month since my last post so I wanted to do an update and tell you where I’m at. I have a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday with my old doctor. After the terrible experience with the clinic in Vancouver I decided to go back to my old clinic in Kelowna. They know me really well there now and they are willing to work with me to try IVF with my own eggs. I’m not planning on starting the cycle until January or February though as I want to spend a couple months getting my body in tip top condition with supplements, acupuncture, healthy eating etc.

I also just realized my appointment is November 15, which is the one year anniversary of my appointment with an OB/Gyn last year and when I was first given the diagnosis of Premature Ovarian Failure.

And then I’m going to try it once. And if it doesn’t work, I truly am going to walk away from it and start saving and planning for donor egg IVF. I’ve already started doing a ton of reading / research on donor egg IVF and starting to wrap my head around it more and more, and I’m actually feeling really good about it and OK with moving onto that step if my body still won’t respond to meds in the new year.

I know it’s cliche, but it really just does take time to become more accepting of something. When I first heard of donor eggs about a year ago now my first reaction was hell no. No, no, no. Since then as I’ve shared my journey with some family and friends the vast majority have been *so* incredibly supportive but some have been very insensitive. One said to me “but don’t you want to have your own baby” when I said donor eggs might be a path for us to take. Well, obviously! And I’d also rather not spend $15,000+ to have a baby, but we don’t all get what we want, do we?

I digress.

The other thing we did that I’m feeling really good about is booked a trip to Kauai, Hawaii for Christmas this year. We leave December 22 and come back on December 30 so we are there for 7 full days. We were originally going to go on a family vacation to Hawaii this year but some of our other family members bailed. Then we weren’t sure what we were going to do. In the end we decided we had the time booked off work and the money saved, we were going to go.

Also, Halloween was very difficult for me this year. I basically spent the evening curled up in bed with all the lights off ignoring the door bell feeling sad. I only went down to see my adorable nieces and nephew and little cousin when they came by. And I had such conflicted emotions with social media because I love my friends kids so much, and I loved seeing them all dressed up, but I also felt so so sad. I want that. I thought I’d have that by now. I won’t have it for awhile and it won’t be an easy road to get there.

Anyways, with that in mind and realizing the holidays are hard for me we decided to go away. Last Christmas the diagnosis was so fresh I didn’t totally realize how serious it was and I still believed I might be pregnant or have a baby by this Christmas. That is obviously not the case, and likely won’t be the case by Christmas 2017 as if we do donor eggs it won’t be until 2018 or 2019. So anyways, I just really do not want to be around for Christmas. If I have to deal with the sadness of not having my own family yet at least I can do it on the beach.

On top of that my husband and I have had A YEAR. We have dealt with the following over the last 12 months: job loss, both of us starting new jobs (he is on his third new job this year as he had a temporary contract, then a permanent job but then he switched to a different permanent job within the same company) and I started my first new job in 4 years, we also moved out of our townhouse we’d lived in for 5 years, sold half our stuff and then packed our life into a U-Haul and drove 600 miles / 1,000 km north to relocate back to our hometown, we lived with family for 2 months and then moved into our own place, in the summer a family member on my husband’s side passed away tragically as well.

On top of all that we dealt with infertility – our first actual appointment at the infertility clinic, attempting two cycles of IUI that ultimately failed and wrapping our heads more and more around the fact that we will not have anything even remotely close to the ‘normal’ or ‘traditional’ way of conceiving. It’s been a huge grieving process.

I have probably shed more tears and felt more beaten down in 2016 than any other year in my life. Certainly in my adult life. I am actually getting emotional just writing this all out.

So, at the very least, I want to end the year on a good note and what better way to do that then going to Hawaii. The prospect of that trip is what keeps me going some days.

There is my long, and much overdue, update on what has been going on. I will likely check back in next week following my doctor’s appointment!

Thanks as always for reading and letting me be so open, raw and vulnerable about these crazy emotions and things we are going through. Writing is so therapeutic for me and I’m grateful for this space.

 

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3 thoughts on “Checking in

  1. Glad to see an update. I’m sorry we’ll just miss being in Kauai at the same time (4 days!). Great decision on Hawaii by the way (not that you asked for my opinion :)). We had booked a 3 week trip in SE Asia and were scheduled to leave the month after my POF diagnosis. We thought about not going because we wanted to jump into IVF right away, but we went and it was the best move. We had some time away and felt refreshed afterward.

    Anyway. I’ll be hoping that 2017 is kinder to you and that Halloween next year isn’t so painful and perhaps instead involves some joy and anticipation or actual celebration with your own little one.

    Good luck with your appointment next week.

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  2. Wow, it is crazy to read about all that you have been through in the last year. I’m so glad that you two are going to go away to a corner of paradise where you can be together and get a break from reality. I can see how the holidays are especially tough right now when you so badly want a family. My heart really goes out to you guys. I’m glad you are getting to a place of acceptance in terms of donor eggs, though, as that opens up options of how you will build your family.

    Thinking of you and sending you so much love!!!

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  3. It is so wonderful to read this after the year you and Eric have had and that you are taking time for yourselves and heading to such a lovely and relaxing place. Reading how you have been feeling and handling things leaves me with pride in knowing you and how strong and resilient you are, and also angry that the perception of “normal” and “traditional” is so forced from ourselves and our families when it comes to what having a family looks like.
    I think we as young women are put under so much pressure, both internal and external, to fall in line and produce x number of kids if and once we find a partner. And if it is not easy or natural, that we have somehow failed. Or if you do have children and it’s not the be all and end all of your existence, that you are not a good mother (sorry, personal experience crept in…).
    After reading your journey thus far, all I can tell you is that when your child joins your family, no matter how or when it happens, that is going to be one LOVED child. What a lucky lucky soul to have two parents who have worked so hard and want them so much. Your family is going to be one that is known for its love for each other, that’s for sure. xo

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