Goodbye 2016

I know it’s only December 20, but I leave tonight on vacation for the next 10 days so I doubt I will post again before the new year. I am wishing 2016 goodbye and good riddance. The last two years have been incredibly difficult and I am not sad at all to say goodbye to 2016. I entered both 2015 and 2016 thinking I would be pregnant / have a baby by the end of the year. I am not entering 2017 with the same optimism.

2015 started off on such a high note. After four long years of my husband going to university he was done and working full-time at a job he enjoyed. I also loved my job at the time. I went off birth control in January of 2015 after 10 years on it. In April of 2015 we went to Maui on vacation and officially started “trying”. Life was perfect.

A week after returning home from Maui my husband was suddenly and unexpectedly laid off from his job. The next four months were some of the most difficult on our marriage. Unemployment and lay-offs are not an easy thing to get through. During the same time I was having some serious health issues – no cycle, hot flashes, night sweats. My husband went back to work at the end of August 2015 and in November 2015 I was officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure and referred to a fertility clinic.

My husband spent the next four months working his butt off after work and on weekends to get a supervisor ticket, which was supposed to ensure his job security, only to be laid off again the first day back to work in January after the Christmas holidays.

At the end of January 2016 we had our first appointment at the fertility clinic and I sobbed through the entire thing as I was told my only real chance of being pregnant would be donor egg IVF.

In February we both began applying for jobs in our hometown, where we had the opportunity to make much more money than in our current city. On March 1 I was offered a fantastic job opportunity. I spent the next two days making the most difficult and excruciating decision of my adult life – to leave a job I loved, a city I loved, friends I loved like family, and my mom – to move back to our hometown (where granted we still had lots of family and friends at least) and pursue a new career opportunity that would allow me to make more money and have better extended health benefits. The number one deciding factor? Infertility and the fact that we won’t get to just ‘make a baby’ we will have to shell out thousands upon thousands of dollars to have a baby one day. That made saying no to a huge pay increase (about 40%) impossible.

Three weeks later I started my new job and spent the entire month of April traveling back and forth. At the end of April we emptied out our townhouse we’d lived in for 5 years – selling and giving away most of our things – into a 15-foot u haul and drove 1,000 km across the province to start a new life. We arrived in our new city on a Friday and I went to work full-time in the office on Monday and my husband started a new temporary contract job on the Monday as well.

We lived with my grandmother for all of May and June 2016.

At the end of June my husband started a new job at the same company I was working for and worked 12+ hour days. Many days he was gone for 13 – 14 hours. We also moved into our own place at the end of June.

In July I flew down for an appointment at my fertility clinic and started my first set of fertility treatments hoping to do an IUI. In August I did another cycle. Both cycles of treatment were canceled due to low estrogen levels. AKA: my body was not reacting to the stims.

In October I had a devastating phone call with what I hoped would be my new fertility clinic in Vancouver. That one knocked me on my ass. I felt depressed and down for days.

Towards the end of October my husband started yet another new job, still with the same company but one that would require him to work long shifts. He worked 21 days straight of 12 hour days and then would have 7 days off. In the New Year it’s changing to 14 days on and 7 days off, alternating day shift and night shift. It’s been tough to adjust to.

And that pretty much brings us up to now – December 2016. I’ve also gained 18 pounds in the last two years through all of this shit.

Some great things happened as well of course. We did some traveling within the country and province that was really great. We had lots of great times with family and friends. Many things happened in our lives to be grateful for.

But overall, the last two years have been so hard, so tiring and, frankly, so devastating.

So, in two days we are off to Kauai, Hawaii for one week. Where I hope to just relax, rejuvenate and reconnect with my husband. I will also be entering 2017 with a very different outlook. I refuse to allow my life to revolve around trying to get pregnant and I’m determined to keep living my life despite this diagnosis. We have some exciting travel coming up in 2017, we are hoping to buy another house (we still own the one we have in our old city) and even though my outlook is a little harder and more rough-around-the-edges after the last two years of heartache, I am hoping to get back to living one day at a time and fostering a feeling of gratefulness and hope about my life. Something that I used to do very well, and something that I’ve lost.

Also, if you want more regular updates from me you can follow my infertility instagram account: @itonlytakes1egg

Happy Holidays to you and yours. See you in 2017.